Question

Проверьте, пожалуйста, эссе в формате ЕГЭ To be rich means to be happy. There are different opinions about wealth. Some people believe that when a person has a lot of money they automatically become happy, while others believe otherwise. I would like to discuss this issue. Personally I do not believe that being rich means being happy. Firstly, everyone has a different concept of happiness. For many people happiness is the family. Moreover, if you have a lot of money but no family you will not be happy. Secondly, many people work day and night to earn a lot of money and do not have time to rest and see their friends. Constant work will not make a person happy. However, there are people who believe that being rich means being happy. They believe that money gives a person the opportunity to do whatever they want: have fun, travel and so on. These people believe that when you can buy anything you want you become happy. To prove the opposite, as I do not agree with the opinion above, we must remember that money cannot buy friends and family. And without loved ones a person cannot be happy. In addition, a person will not be able to relax and have fun normally without having friends. Rich people may also simply not have time for entertainment because of constant work. In conclusion, I want to say that everyone has their own opinion about wealth. I still believe that being rich does not mean being happy.

Answer 1

I don’t see mistakes in the grammar, but you have to use some more comma’s. Also, it would be more better if you stopped using everywhere the same sentences “being rich does not means being happy” or “to be rich means to be happy” etc. Maybe you can exchange one of them for “money can’t afford happiness”. I hope you know what I mean.

Answer 2

Overall, your essay effectively presents your viewpoint on the topic "To be rich means to be happy." You provide a clear introduction and present your argument in a logical manner. Your essay includes both supporting and contrasting points, which adds depth to your discussion.

In terms of suggestions for improvement, here are a few points to consider:

1. Introduction: Consider adding a more attention-grabbing opening sentence to engage the reader from the start. You could also provide a brief overview of the topic to set the context.

2. Thesis statement: While you mention your stance in the introduction, it would be helpful to explicitly state your thesis in a single sentence to clearly outline your position. For example: "In my opinion, wealth does not guarantee happiness as true happiness is subjective and cannot be solely achieved through material possessions."

3. Development of arguments: Expand on your arguments further to provide more depth and supporting evidence. For example, when discussing the concept of happiness being tied to family, you could elaborate on the emotional connections and support that loved ones provide, emphasizing their importance in overall happiness.

4. Counterarguments: Acknowledge and address potential counterarguments in more detail. For instance, you mention that some people believe money allows for freedom and the ability to have fun and travel. While you briefly mention the inability to buy friends and family, consider delving deeper into other aspects that money cannot fulfill, such as personal fulfillment, purpose, and emotional well-being.

5. Conclusion: Reiterate your thesis and summarize your main points succinctly. Additionally, consider ending with a thought-provoking statement or a call to action to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Remember to proofread your essay for any grammatical errors or awkward sentence structures.

Revised example of the conclusion: In conclusion, while opinions on wealth and happiness may vary, I firmly maintain that being rich does not equate to being happy. True happiness is multifaceted, encompassing personal relationships, emotional well-being, and a sense of purpose that extends beyond material possessions. Although money may provide certain opportunities and pleasures, it cannot replace the profound joy that comes from having strong connections with loved ones and leading a fulfilled life. It is crucial for individuals to prioritize their overall well-being rather than solely pursuing monetary wealth.